Emotionally Abusive Relationships - Part One

Lisa Ferentz LCSW-C, DAPA Healing Trauma’s Wounds

Emotionally Abusive Relationships - Part One

A silent killer of self-esteem.

 

 

Source: Wikimedia Commons

Recently I was sitting in a Starbucks catching up on my e-mail when it became impossible not to overhear the conversation happening in such close proximity at the next table.  A young couple was engaged in the seemingly benign task of deciding what kind of coffees to order.  What grabbed my attention was the subtle but powerful way in which the husband continually dismissed his wife’s timid declaration about what she wanted to drink. “I’ll have a latte,” she said in a whisper.  “You don't really want a latte,” he said with calm authority, “You claim you want a latte but then you never finish it,” he added without humor. “I don't want to order something you’re not gonna drink.”  His wife dropped her head and took on a kind of collapsed body posture.  It sounded like a father chastising a small child. She immediately acquiesced, “Okay, then don't order me anything.”
For the next 20 minutes they sat there.  He took his time with his large coffee drink and she patiently waited, drinking nothing.  He took out his phone and focused on it as if she weren’t there. The few times she tried to initiate conversation he either ignored her or put up his hand and subtly shook his head no, a clear non-verbal sign that let her know she was interrupting him and whatever he was attending to on his phone was more important.  When he was finished he said, “Okay, let’s go.” She dutifully got up and followed a few steps behind him as they left the coffee shop.
In all honesty there were several different times when I wanted to intervene.  Despite the fact that he never raised his voice, I could sense how controlling he was and how submissive she needed to be.  Looking at it through a therapeutic lens it was a powerful example of an emotionally abusive relationship. These are relationships that can seem unremarkable to the outside world. She had no visible signs of physical trauma, although I would argue that her constricted body language and timid voice spoke volumes. They were both very well dressed and the scenario of sitting in Starbucks seemed innocent enough. He never yelled at her and his dismissive gestures were extremely subtle.  Probably to an untrained eye, the entire encounter would have been ignored.

Although emotional abuse can be subtle the impact is profound and can create intense self-doubt, fear, anxiety, anger, and depression. 

I have worked with many women and several men, too, who were genuinely surprised at my suggestion that they were in an emotionally abusive relationship.  The word “abusive” is most often associated with overt behaviors that cause physical harm.  But dynamics of control, intimidation, treating a partner as “less than,” financially withholding, minimizing or belittling their thoughts, feelings, and needs are important signs that are often rationalized or excused by the victim. They are, in fact, indicators of emotional abuse that may or may not escalate to other manifestations of maltreatment.
Everyone has the right to feel safe, respected, validated, understood, and supported in their personal relationships. No one has the right to use power or control to manipulate, subjugate, or demean their partner. Although emotional abuse can be subtle the impact is profound and can create intense self-doubt, fear, anxiety, anger, and depression. If you are in a relationship where it doesn’t feel safe or productive to use your voice, or you’ve been made to feel unworthy, I urge you to get the support you deserve so you can re-claim your dignity, your voice, and your basic human rights.


In Part Two of this series, we will review some of the signs of emotional abuse in more detail.

I hope you liked this article as much as I did. I will post the second part as soon as it's posted on the website.
Here's a link to the original article.
-Deborah


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healing-trauma-s-wounds/201611/emotionally-abusive-relationships-part-one

Effects of Child Abuse and Neglect

Every child has a right to a safe childhood and a life free from violence. The experience of child abuse and neglect infringe upon that right.
The effects of abuse affect each child differently. While the effects of abuse can be severe and long-lasting, children who have been abused or exposed to violence can and do go on to have healthy and productive childhoods and adult lives. Children are resilient, and being able to discuss and guide our children through a recovery process is crucial to their success. It is often the first step towards healing. In most cases, once their safety is assured, children can overcome the effects of trauma through professional counseling or other supportive interventions.

Developmental and psychological and effects

The brain develops at an incredible pace during the early developmental stages of infancy and childhood. Studies about early childhood development indicate that the brain develops in response to experiences with caregivers, family and the community, and that its development is directly linked to the quality and quantity of those experiences. Meeting a child’s needs during these early stages creates emotional stability and security that is needed for healthy brain development. Repeated exposure to stressful events can affect the brain’s stress response, making it more reactive and less adaptive. With time a child may react as if danger is always present in their environment regardless of what the presenting situation actually is.¹
Research has found that children exposed to violence or abuse, if left unaddressed or ignored, are at an increased risk for emotional and behavioral problems in the future.² Children who are abused may not be able to express their feelings safely and as a result, may develop difficulties regulating their emotions. As adults, they may continue to struggle with their feelings, which can lead to depression or anxiety.³
The following are some of possible effects of child abuse and neglect on a child’s mental health:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Dissociation
• Difficulty concentrating
• Academic problems in school-aged children and adolescents
• Withdrawn and/or difficulty connecting with others
• Flashbacks
• Increased hypervigilance
• Difficulty sleeping

The overall impact of abuse also depends on the child’s natural reactions to stress and ways of coping with stressful situations. Other factors can include age at which the trauma occurred, previous exposure to unrelated traumatic incidents and extent of therapy or timing of intervention.

Physical effects

Children are more physically susceptible to injury than adults as their bodies are still in development. When a child is being physically abused or neglected some of these injuries are apparent. However, there are times when a perpetrator is careful not to leave marks or injuries that are visible so that the abuse is not discovered. Being able to recognize the physical effects of abuse can be crucial in identifying an abusive situation and taking steps to protect a child from further abuse or neglect.
These are some common effects observed in children who have been physically or sexually abused and/or neglected:

• Bruises, welts or swelling
• Sprains or fractures
• Burns
• Lacerations or abrasions
• Difficulty in walking or sitting
• Torn, stained or bloody clothing
• Pain or itching in the genital area; bruises or bleeding in the external genital area
• Sexually transmitted infections or diseases
• Lack of adequate supervision, nutrition or shelter
• Poor hygiene
• Inappropriate dress

Children may develop these as ways to cope with complex trauma, or perhaps even to forget or suppress the traumatizing memories.

Possible emotional and behavioral effects of trauma include:

• Eating disorders
• Drug use
• Risky sexual decision-making
• Self-harm
• Troubled sleeping
• Discomfort with physical touch

For more information, learn about the signs of child abuse and neglect here.

Effects on children who witness domestic violence

The emotional toll on children who witness threats or violence against others can be substantial, especially when those involved are familiar to the child and the violence takes place in the home. Children may be affected when they witness domestic violence, regardless of whether or not they are directly abused.

Current research has found that children exposed to domestic violence are at an increased risk for emotional and behavioral problems, including anxiety, depression and academic problems. The research also suggests that some children who have witnessed domestic violence show no symptoms of psychological distress.

Children's responses may depend on the severity and frequency of the abuse, the availability of family and community support, and the child's resilience. Once their safety is assured, most children can overcome the effects of trauma through professional counseling or other supportive interventions.

______________________

Once their safety is assured, children who have experienced abuse or neglect can go on to heal and thrive. Being able to discuss and guide our children through a recovery process is crucial to their success, and often the first step towards healing. Most children who have been abused go on to recover and live healthy, productive lives.

Next section: Resources


Previous section: About the issue

¹ Stien, Phyllis T. and Kendall, Joshua, Psychological Trauma and Developing Brain: Neurobiological Based Interventions for Troubled Children, 2004, The Haworth Maltreatment and Trauma Press.
² Child Welfare Information Gateway, “Long-Term Consequences of Child Abuse and Neglect,” Factsheets, (2008), www.childwelfare.gov.
³ Smith, Melinda and Segal, Jeanne, “Child Abuse & Neglect: Recognizing, Preventing, and Reporting Child Abuse,” (June 2013), www.helpguide.org.

Active Bystanding: It’s a Jungle Out There!

We said that Bystander Prevention is getting way out ahead of any harm to a child by being alert to potential boundary violations and grooming, and essentially heading them off at the pass.


One fine summer morning my partner and I went to the big farmers market at our local university. We go there just about every Saturday.


We buy most of our produce from a particular vendor that we like. I’ll call him James. He is a wonderful person and he practices solid ethics at his farm. We’re not the kind of friends that go places together, but we see him and his family every week. That Saturday morning we were in their booth at the same time as this other fellow who was obviously a family friend. You could tell they knew each other well. James and the man chatted a bit, and then James turned away to wait on another customer. My partner and I were nearby in line.


All I can say is that this family friend hugged and touched the young teen daughter in a way that alarmed both of us. I’ll call it near-groping. It did not look good at all. The girl was definitely squirming and cringing, and I was about to crawl out of my skin.
I’ll admit we were both paralyzed in that moment. Neither one of us did anything. It was a brief exchange and the girl managed to extract herself in probably less than 5 seconds, but we saw what we saw. We paid the older son for our vegetables, and as we walked away we checked in with each other. Yes, we were both aghast.

Now as you know, I’m in the sexual abuse prevention business, so I check myself regularly about my reactions. I worry I can be quick on the trigger. Also, I really didn’t know what I should do in that moment. We went home.


In hindsight I can say that what we decided to do next was not what I would do today, some 4 years later. We wrote an anonymous letter to the father. We told him we had been to his booth and exactly what we saw – that his daughter had been hugged and touched by the man in a way that appeared sexual and was definitely uncomfortable for her. We described her reaction. We described the family friend. We asked him to please check in with his daughter about the relationship and we enclosed the Darkness to Light’s booklet The 5 Steps to Protecting our Children^™.

I’ll give myself maybe a B- for that one.

Today I would be a lot more direct. I honestly don’t remember why we sent the letter anonymously. I still wouldn’t say something right there in public, out of concern for the girl feeling ashamed; but I’d call the father by phone to share what I saw. I’d do this because I’d want to open a dialogue in case he needed advice, or just so that he could process what I was telling him. I’d also want to be as sure as I could be that yes, he’d actually talk to his daughter. And I wouldn’t second-guess myself so much about my “bias.” But at least we did something and what we did was pretty strong.

Brown Signs Bill Revoking California's 10-Year Statute Of Limitation On Rape Cases

SACRAMENTO (AP) — The emotional stories of women who say they were sexually assaulted more than a decade ago by comedian Bill Cosby prompted California state lawmakers to approve a bill to eliminate the state’s 10-year limit on filing rape and related charges.
On Wednesday, Gov. Jerry Brown announced that he has approved the legislation to revoke that limitation.  Beginning next year the bill will end the statute of limitations on certain rape and child molestation cases. Full article here

NEW START-UP BOOK CLUB GROUP

ANNOUCEMENT


New start-up book club group on Goodreads starting today for anyone who has been sexually abused or has a friend that has been sexually abused. To gain more insight about my book "Deliver Us From Evil" and to discuss ways to diminish this social plight.


Go to the book club link here

MENTAL HEALTH MONTH

http://mhinnovation.net/blog/2016/oct/7/celebrate-world-mental-health-day-2016-mhin#.V_v3gNj2aqJ

RAISING KIDS

5 Phrases That Can Help Protect Your Child From Sexual Abuse

BY
Lucy Aitkenread
Written May 2, 2016



Over the last few years I have worked with an incredible sexual abuse prevention team.

They provide training for schools, community centers, and governmental organizations, help families out of tragic situations, and provide counseling to victims. The work they do both turns your stomach to lead and lights a fire in your heart – it is unspeakable tragedy but there IS hope.

They have opened my eyes to how every single person in the world can either add to a culture of child sexual abuse, or dismantle it. Our very words can help prevent children from abuse.

Here are a few phrases I’ve learned from them:

“That’s your vulva!”2

We mustn’t let our natural prudishness around anatomical terms for private parts get in the way of our children’s knowledge about their body.

It does take some getting used to, but after a few awkward hiccups my family and I have become proud members of Team Vulva for several reasons!

Prevention specialist with the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, Laura Palumbo, explains how children who know and use the correct anatomical terms discourages perpetrators. In the event of abuse, knowing the correct anatomical terms helps children and adults navigate the disclosure and forensic interview process.

It can help to explain to those close to you your motivation for using these terms. Particularly as it is inevitable that your toddler will eloquently ask Nana, “Do you have a penis or a vulva?” at the dinner table.

“Stop.”

We teach our children that STOP is a serious, red light word that will be listened to by everyone.1

When our children are at play and someone says STOP we will intervene to make sure it is honored. When we are wrestling or tickling, if our children say STOP, even through their giggles, we will immediately cease. They nearly always scream GO! a few seconds later but meanwhile they are discovering that only they get to say what happens to their bodies, and if they are not comfortable with something, their STOP is meaningful.

When we stop kissing, tickling, and cuddling when our children request it we are empowering them in that moment. However, it also acts as practice, a role playing, for if something more serious occurs. They are well versed in saying STOP to someone bigger and more powerful than them and they will feel able to use it when it really counts.

“No secrets.”

We don’t have secrets in our family, just surprises.3 Surprises differ from secrets as they are things that are kept quiet momentarily, and revealed to everyone in time.

The term “secret” comes up again and again in the stories of child sexual abuse victims. A culture of secrecy is one of the foundations that perpetrators require and seek to establish.

Make it your aim that the word “secret” rings alarm bells in your children’s ears. Remind them constantly that “we don’t have secrets!” and that if anyone ever shares a secret with them that their mom or dad get to hear it, too.

“Did you feel safe?”

In this powerful blog post a mother, herself a victim of sexual abuse, describes how when she was a child her own mother used to meet her after a party and, in front of her perpetrator, ask her if she was a good girl, if she did as she was told.

We need to change the way we talk to our children after events.

Ask if they felt comfortable. If they felt safe. If they had any bad bits.

Of course, these questions have to happen as part of a whole conversation where they get to tell you about the chocolate cake fight, and the boy who hilariously strung party hats all over his whole body and chased the dog.

If we strive to keep open channels of communication with our children we can ask them, “Did you feel safe?” knowing we will get an honest answer.

“High five, wave, or hug?”

Lucy Emmerson, of the Sex Education Forum, suggests that children shouldn’t be forced to kiss relatives as it’s important for children to learn that their bodies are their own.

Instead of saying, “Kiss Aunty goodbye!” ask how your child might like to say goodbye. It might be with nothing, a smile, a wave, a high five, a hug. I am a huge advocate that children must never be forced to show affection, yet our children almost always opt for full blown hugs and kisses. I guess this is because they tend to love all the people we hang out with, and they see us willingly showing affection to them. However, they know that only they get a say on what happens to their bodies. They know they will never be forced.

Every so often there is a little awkward moment but I simply let it be, and then call the relative later and explain how important it is that children know their bodies are their own.

I live in a country where one in three girls are sexually abused by the time they are 16. I am willing to put up with a little awkwardness if it protects them from becoming a tragic statistic.8

Will you consider adopting these phrases in your family? Do so and know you are doing your bit to create a world where children can thrive.

souce link http://www.parent.co/5-phrases-can-help-protect-your-child-from-sexual-abuse/

Overcoming Complex PTSD "Yes, You Can!" with Athena Moberg from Trauma ...

Motivation

Motivation. It's what makes you get out of bed in the morning
and get dressed and drive to work. It's what makes you work
through lunch and go home late and keep working when you get
home. Without motivation we would accomplish very little. That
being said, if we better understand what motivates us, we can
channel it to achieve even more. There are two types of
motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. An example of intrinsic
motivation is practicing a hobby in your free time to get better
at it. You are doing it for you. An example of extrinsic
motivation is cleaning your house because you have guests coming
over. You get the idea. Use intrinsic motivation to do creative
work. On the flip side, use extrinsic motivation to tackle
difficult tasks. Know how your work helps others and this will
motivate you to work hard. Finally, and this may seem
counter-intuitive, give yourself something to lose. We value
things when they belong to us. If there's a chance you are going
to lose something that is important to you, you will work even
harder to hold onto it


Source
-
Team HARO 
http://www.facebook.com/helpareporter 
http://twitter.com/helpareporter 

Child Sexual Abuse / Assault / Violence

Child Sexual Abuse / Assault / Violence




Child Molestation Research & Prevention Institute – a national science-based, 501(c)3, nonprofit organization. CMRPI conducts research to prevent child sexual abuse and provides information to prevention organizations, agencies, professionals and families to prevent abuse. The mission is to focus scientific research on the major causes of child sexual abuse, especially in areas where early intervention can save the greatest number of children and to provide scientific information that supports the prevention actions of the field, especially prevention organizations, professionals and families, Atlanta, GA and Alameda, CA.


ChildSafe – provides services in a safe environment for child and adolescent victims of sexual abuse. At the center professionals ensure that the child's needs, emotional and medical, come first. The mission of ChildSafe is to restore dignity, trust and hope to children traumatized by sexual abuse, San Antonio, TX.


Darkness to Light – the ultimate mission of D2L, to end childhood sexual abuse, can only be accomplished by sharing the solution of prevention, awareness and education with more and more people. This, in turn, builds momentum and over time, changes the way our nation and culture cares for, protects and nurtures our children. Being an active participant in the mission to end childhood sexual abuse is one of the most rewarding things we will ever do ~ and we cannot do it without you. We believe that learning the facts about childhood sexual abuse helps prevent it. Talking about it helps prevent it. Getting involved helps prevent it. The truth is, if childhood sexual abuse can be prevented, it can be stopped. That's why D2L exists ~ to empower adults through awareness and educational programs to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to childhood sexual abuse, Charleston, SC.


Enough Abuse – provides concerned adults, parents, and professionals with the knowledge and skills they need to prevent child sexual abuse in their homes and communities, Boston, MA.


Girls Education & Mentoring Services – empowers young women, ages 12-21 years, who have experienced sexual exploitation and violence to exit unsafe and abusive lifestyles and to develop their full potential. GEMS’ provides young women with empathetic, consistent support and viable opportunities for positive change, New York, NY.


International Centre for Missing & Exploited Children – promotes the safety and well-being of children through activism, policy development and multinational coordination. Their programs and initiatives are uniting the world and providing international solutions to the problems of child abduction and exploitation, Alexandria, VA.


JustTell.org – mission is to reach out to youth aged 8 to 17 who are being sexually abused in order to convey, in age-appropriate language, that: they are not alone, they are not to blame for the abuse and should feel not guilt or shame, and that they need to choose a trustworthy adult in their life and tell them about the sexual abuse. The secondary mission of JustTell is to education and empower all youth around the issue of childhood sexual abuse. No one has ever used kids' media and internet sites where kids gather such as Facebook, Twitter and MySpace to speak to young people about this issue. Our messages reach out to molested children and teens using methods and messages they can readily access and relate to. Whether it is by tweets, blogs and bulletins, through the wallet-sized cards our ten Street Teams will hand out as Community Service Projects, or by sexually abused kids accessing our website; we are kid-friendly and as hip as the teens who are helping us. And that gives us enormous credibility with kids who are being sexually abused.


The Mama Bear Effect – seeks to empower adults to actively protect children from sexual abuse by raising awareness, and promoting conversations and behaviors that can prevent abuse. There are many misconceptions regarding this issue. The Mama Bear Effect will work diligently and endlessly to expose the reality of child sexual abuse and put an end to dangerous misconceptions. We believe that all good people have a "Mama Bear" instinct - a desire to protect innocent children from a harm greater than what they could ever imagine. A willingness to face our fears, overpower our desire to turn away from such evil, and conquer the ignorance that clouds our understanding of how child sexual abuse exists and is afflicting our nation and world. We must protect our children.  We will fight back. This is The Mama Bear Effect. 


Mothers Against Sexual Abuse – the mission is to heighten awareness of the hidden epidemic of child sexual abuse through educating parents, caregivers, professionals, and others with the intent to remove the veil of this horrific crime and expose the truth of its tragic impact on children and adult survivors.


National Association to Protect Children – is a national pro-child, anti-crime membership association. We are founded on the belief that our first and most sacred obligation as parents, citizens, and members of the human species is the protection of children from harm. We are committed to building a powerful, nonpartisan force for the protection of children from abuse, exploitation and neglect. We believe that this must be done through a determined single-issue focus, a meaningful mainstream agenda and the use of proven modern political strategies, Asheville, NC.


National Center for Missing & Exploited Children® – helps to prevent child abduction and sexual exploitation; helps find missing children; and assists victims of child abduction and sexual exploitation, their families, and the professionals who serve them, Alexandria, VA.

Help Emily Rico get back home
National Center For Missing and Exploited Children
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Age now: 14 years
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National Children’s Advocacy Center – a non-profit agency providing prevention, intervention, and treatment services to physically and sexually abused children and their families within a child-focused team approach. Since opening in 1985 as the nation’s first Children’s Advocacy Center, the NCAC has become a leader in the field of prevention and intervention of child maltreatment, Huntsville AL.


National Coalition to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse and Exploitation – our mission is a unified effort to promote the healthy development of children & youth; and end their sexual abuse and exploitation.

Six Pillars for Prevention: Why We Need Stronger Prevention Polices, 2015. Read news release.


Parents for Megan's Law and The Crime Victims Center – a not-for-profit 501(c)3 community and victim's rights organization dedicated to the prevention and treatment of sexual abuse through the provision of education, advocacy, counseling, victim services, policy and legislative support services. We staff the local and National (1-888-ASK-PFML) Megan's Law Help lines. PFML has recently expanded its mission to include the new Crime Victims Center, a program designed to link all victims of violent crime with crime victim compensation and multi-agency referrals for support and assistance, Stony Brook, NY.

Parents Protect – created by the child sexual abuse prevention campaign, Stop it Now! UK and Ireland and the Lucy Faithfull Foundation, a child protection charity which manages the campaign supported by an alliance of voluntary and statutory sector partners. The campaign aims to prevent child sexual abuse by raising awareness and encouraging early recognition and responses to the problem by abusers themselves and those close to them. 

Resources for Preventing and Addressing Child Sexual Abuse, Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault, Silver Spring, MD.


Sexual Assault Resource Agency – provides free counseling and support services for women, children of all ages, and men who have experienced sexual assault and/or abuse, Charlottesville, VA.


SOL Reform ~ Reform the Statute of Limitations on Child Sex Abuse to Identify Hidden Predators and Increase Access to Justice, Professor Marci A. Hamilton.


Stop Abuse Campaign – we are a diverse team of survivors and supporters working together to stop abuse and alleviate its suffering. We hope you will join us. Stopping abuse starts with believing it happens. Take the pledge, become a Believer and we'll send you a prevention tip every week plus ways you can participate in freeing your family and your community from the fear and impact of abuse. We can stop abuse. Join the Believers today and working together, we will stop abuse tomorrow, New York, NY.

Stop It Now! – prevents the sexual abuse of children by mobilizing adults, families and communities to take actions that protect children before they are harmed, Northampton, MA.


Stop the Silence: Stop Child Sexual Abuse – the mission is to expose and stop child sexual abuse and help survivors heal worldwide. Our overarching goals are to: 1) promote healing of victims and survivors; and 2) celebrate the lives of those healed, Glenn Dale, MD.


Vision of Hope – a project of the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape. The campaign works to protect our children from the devastation of sexual abuse, Enola, PA.


Wellspring Living – the mission is to confront the issue of childhood sexual abuse and exploitation through awareness, training and treatment programs for women and girls, Tyrone, GA. Read Blog.


In case it is easier here here the source of the article. Happy blogging! -Deborah
http://www.ncdsv.org/ncd_linkschildsexabuse.html

A new inspirational blog for those with mental health conditions: "Hope from HealthyPlace"

How To Take Your Mind Off Problems

Mental health difficulties such as anxiety disorders, mood disorders, trauma disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorders, and more are notorious for causing people to overthink things and ruminate over problems seemingly nonstop. Thinking about problems too much can interfere in daily life. It's possible to take your mind off problems and find relief from ruminating and over-thinking. Here are ways to do it:

Do something you enjoy. When you actively engage in an activity you love, your mind has something to do. When your mind is distracted with other things, your thinking shifts away from your problems.
Get physical. Regular exercise, even a 10-minute daily walk, energizes both body and mind, and it has a positive impact on the brain that extends to the way it thinks.
Be mindful. Practicing mindfulness means being fully aware, through all of your senses, on what is going on in each moment. The brain can't think about problems and be engaged in the moment at the same time. Again and again, turn your attention to your present moment. Over time, mindfulness will be natural, and you will no longer overthink problems.
Purposefully engaging your mind in positive activities will help you take your mind off your problems—and keep it off.

Here are some more ideas to stop overthinking from our anxiety blogger, Tanya Peterson. Take a look.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gz29PF-3SAA

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Your Thoughts

Today's Question: What do you do to take your mind off problems in a healthy way? We invite you to participate by commenting and sharing your feelings, experiences and knowledge on the HealthyPlace Facebook page.

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Here are the top 3 mental health articles HealthyPlace Facebook fans are recommending you read:

Explaining Depression To A Friend
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If you're not already, I hope you'll join us/like us on Facebook too. There are a lot of wonderful, supportive people there.

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From the HealthyPlace Mental Health Blogs

On all our blogs, your comments and observations are welcomed.

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Parents Affected by Mental Health Stigma
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Recognize Progress in PTSD Recovery to Promote Further Healing
Going on Vacation With Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder
Eight Ways to Stop a Panic Attack in its Tracks
Vacation Well With Your Spouse Despite Mental Illness
Mental Illness Stigma that Comes from Concern Hurts
Personal Growth: Flower Where You’re Planted
Depression Self-Care in Relationships Requires Communication
Unique Mental Health Coping Skills for Bad Days
Grief and Dissociative Identity Disorder: Symbolic Loss
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Feel free to share your thoughts and comments at the bottom of any blog post. And visit the mental health blogs homepage for the latest posts.

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Stand Up for Mental Health

Thousands Have Joined the Stand Up for Mental Health Campaign

But we still need you. Let others know there's no shame in having depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, trichotillomania, OCD, ADHD, schizophrenia or any other mental illness.

Join the Stand Up for Mental Health campaign. Put a button on your website or blog (buttons for family members, parents, mental health professionals and organizations too). We also have covers for Facebook, Twitter and Google+.

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Community Partner Team
HealthyPlace.com - America's Mental Health Channel
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Don’t Get Mad; How Anger Disrupts Mental Health

Anger is a normal human emotion that can disrupt mental health. Anger, part of the fight-or-flight system, can serve a protective function. Feeling angry fuels aggression and motivates us to fight. Stressful situations; perceived embarrassment, humiliation, or bullying; substance use; and some mental illnesses (such as mood disorders, trauma- and stressor induced disorders, and some personality disorders) cause people to experience strong feelings of anger.

Anger, unfortunately, interferes in relationships, school, and employment. It often leads to isolation and loneliness, which can be frustrating and fuel more anger. Additionally, anger disrupts mental health by diminishing the sense of happiness and overall life satisfaction.

Controlling Anger: Think Before You Act

An effective way to prevent anger from interfering in life is to think differently about situations and people that trigger anger (how to control anger). You can't control how others act, but you can control how you react. Determine what's important to you in your relationships, and speak and act to enhance what's important. When your instinct is to lash out in anger, stop for a moment, breathe deeply, call to mind your values, and choose your actions and reactions accordingly. You'll find yourself acting on anger less and preserving what you love, including your mental health, more.

Related Articles Dealing with Anger and Mental Health

Constructive Tips to Resolve Anger and Conflict
Anger Management
Anger Management for Children
Anger Management Likely to Increase Domestic Abuse
Your Thoughts

Today's Question: What keeps you from lashing out in anger when getting mad feels natural? We invite you to participate by commenting and sharing your feelings, experiences and knowledge on the HealthyPlace Facebook page and on the HealthyPlace Google+ page.

Source http://www.healthyplace.com/

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder


Whether it was childhood abuse or neglect, wartime trauma, or vicariously experiencing a trauma (seeing a horrible car crash or domestic violence not directed to you but witnessing it), all of us who probably take this newsletter have experienced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I have experienced numerous traumas and have nightmares quite frequently.  I also have anxiety about events that have not even happened yet.  PTSD is an anxiety disorder and is expressed through numerous symptoms,

Besides child abuse and neglect, I am now experiencing PTSD from my disease process.  You see, I have a chronic painful nerve disease which affects me more sometimes and less other times.  I have pain in my knee and ankle joints and recently experienced non-stop itching which took over my lower legs and feet.  Besides a horrendous itching, I also have muscle spasms, a terrible rash and blisters all over my lower legs and feet.  The itching is so bad that it is based also on temperature so I have to have a room that is 70 degrees at all times so I wear two turtle neck tops and a sweatshirt or jacket.  It has become such a traumatic event in my life, that I have nightmares about it coming on worse than it has ever been.  My dermatologist has given me cortisone, antibiotic ointment for the wounds some of the itching and my scratching have caused.  I have anti-itching pills and many other ointments and creams.  My fiancée, who is a retired doctor, keeps track of my regime and treatment protocol.

My physical health has become traumatizing to me.  We now have to slowly stop the treatment which has calmed the symptoms.  I now live in fear that they will return.  This is PTSD.  This condition (nerve disease) has left my body, bedbound except with the help of a walker and caregivers, I can get up out of bed and use the bathroom and then return to bed.  My greatest fear is that I won't be able to travel to my daughter's law school graduation two state's away next May.

PTSD is extremely difficult for our war veterans to avoid.  The death and destruction that they experience in war would wear even the strongest marine, air men and soldier down.  If you have not seen the movie, "American Sniper," I would highly recommend this movie as an example of how PTSD can ruin people's lives.

I'm sure many of you have experienced traumatic events that you could share with us.  If you want to share your trauma's with Niki and myself, we would love to hear from you.  Use the blog comments section, the home website page or email us (marshahunter2000@gmail.com) and we'll put it in the next newsletter or if you wish to share with me, Deborah Hunter-Marsh, your story, be brave and tell me, I won't reveal it to anyone unless you say it's o.k.  Until next month have a good and safe Thanksgiving holiday.


UPDATE ON DELIVER US FROM EVIL.

The book will be released on November 17th But it takes two weeks to get it to Amazon so you can get it from eLectio Publishing, from our home webpage, or from Amazon by December 1st.  Make it a gift to yourself this holiday season.  This is the time I have waited for over the past two years.  I'm thrilled to announce that by the next newsletter it will be available in many places.  I have much gratitude to many people, some of them are you.

PTSD Recovery: Try Using Inner Child Exercises

I have received enormous benefit to my PTSD recovery from the use of inner child exercises. Inner child exercises help heal the wounded child who lived for so many years within my body.  It was that damaged child who suffered the abuse that led to my posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

When I was first presented the concept of inner child work, I thought it sounded silly. But in a time of great desperation, I tried it, with the most remarkable results. My PTSD recovery is greatly benefitted by using inner child exercises. Here’s how they work.

PTSD Recovery By Accessing The Inner Child

In the late 1980s, I exhibited the symptoms of PTSD, but I couldn’t remember a traumatic event that might have happened to me. I was attending the Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) Twelve Step program, trying to figure out the effects of growing up with alcoholism. One of the great blessings of that time was to be working with a sponsor (mentor) who was also a therapist.

When I told him there were blank spaces in my memories of my childhood, he suggested what he called Gestalt therapy, or empty chair exercises. He said it would be a way to access the wounded young inner child. He told me that when abuse happens, the ego gets frozen at a certain age, and that the child would be able to access those abuse memories. It sounded super psychological, and I smiled politely and dismissed the concept.

Not long after that, I began to remember traumatic incidents with my Dad, escalating in violence, which started when I was a teenager. At the same time, my world was falling apart, and I grew increasingly desperate. I sensed there was something else, even more damaging, deeply buried within my soul, but I couldn’t access it. One night I had a dream about someone chasing me with a gun, and when I turned to look, it was my Dad (PTSD And Nightmares: Dream Revision Technique.  http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/traumaptsdblog/2015/10/19/the-use-of-inner-child-exercises-in-ptsd-recovery/

Did You Know

Stress Is The Enemy

Stress - everyone has it but no body wants it.   Stress can spur one to achieve events and rewards one has never accomplished before.  It can also cause poor health, it is detrimental to relationships, and can cause a complete mental break down.  Since I don't know what stressors you have, I will use my stressors to illustrate what I mean:

• Being mistreated or abused as a child - major stress
•   Leaving home,
• Getting a bachelor and a masters degree - major stress,
• A bad marriage,
• A divorce,
• A move to another state,
• A new boyfriend and long-term relationship,
• A major health problem.

Those are just some of the difficulties I've had through my lifetime.  Of course the most traumatic event was 9 years of sexual, emotional, mental and spiritual abuse I have had as a child which I tell the complete story of in my book, Deliver Us From Evil.

In a book called The Body Keeps The Score, it's talks about trauma and stress and the effects these have over the body many years after they have happened.  It is meant to be a textbook but I was able to glean from it the resiliency we have as human beings to go on to recover in many ways from the traumas in our lives.  I would highly recommend this book if you are willing to read a heavier subject manner book than usual.   Here is information from the jacket cover:

    "From this profoundly humane book offers a sweeping understanding of the causes and consequences of trauma, offering hope and clarity to everyone touched by the devastation.  Trauma has emerged as one of the great public health challenges of our time not only because of the well-documented effects on combat veterans and on victims of accidents and crimes but because of the hidden toll of sexual and family violence and schools devastated by abuse, neglect and addiction."
                                          Bessell van der Kolk, M.D.
 Amazon link - http://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma-ebook/dp/B00G3L1C2K/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1443902110&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Body+Keeps+the+score

I challenge each of you to read this book and comment on it on my website comments page or on comments here on my blog.  Here are the links to both website and blog

http://deliverusfromevilbook.blogspot.com/ - blog
http://www.deliverusfromevil.us/ - website home page

I hope you are able to start saying no when someone asks you to take on more than you can handle without stressing and handle only what causes you less stress.

by Deborah Hunter-Marsh

Here is a Review of Deliver Us From Evil:

Hi Deborah,

I read your manuscript. Here is the review you can use and that I will put on Amazon when the time comes. Let me know if there are any changes you would like me to make, or anything specific you would like for me to add, and if it feels right, I would be glad to make changes.

Review on Deliver Us From Evil:

This is Deborah’s honest account of horror, confusion, shame—and recovery.

For those who have been through life-shattering child abuse, Deborah is someone who understands the difficulty in sustaining healthy relationships thereafter and the arduous journey it takes to return to wholeness.

For those who fortunately escaped such experiences, she gives insight into a world of pain for those living in victimization—not only by the perpetrator(s), but also by those who act in disbelief and who wish to silence them rather than offer support. The inability to find safe confidantes, keeps them isolated, imprisoned in silence.

This material, though tragically intimate, is dealt with delicately and ultimately with hope and possibilities for a healthy future. She shares her successes and her failures with equal candor, as well as the tools she used to move out of the darkness.

Deborah gives a list of resources as support for others, as well as evidence that there can be life after trauma and deliverance from (even during) evil.

----------------------------

You were courageous to write this, and I know people who would benefit from reading it. I have a friend whose father was one of those brilliant scientist that the government recruited out of college during the cold war to design bunkers for the president and his men. They were shown horrific films about the end of the world and subliminal material to encourage them to rape their wives and daughters to repopulate the earth. She didn't recover memories for quite some time and of course her mother didn't want to deal with it. In fact, shortly after it was brought up, the mom began encapsulating into dementia.

I suspected, because of some of the things that would pop out of her mouth and the curious expression she would have after she said them, not knowing where that came from. I could keep going on...

There is so much abuse, and the self-esteem movement in the public school just exacerbated it. Now, they are saying there is an up and coming generation of narcissists (and I don't mean the sloppy way people throw that term around as "selfishness"). We are going to need more people willing to expose reality and provide safe places. I appreciate your contribution to that end.

 

Blessings to you!

Kelly

 

 

40 Things Your Soul Wants You To Know

Written by Marc Chernoff

 

This morning I was picking up a few grocery items at a local convenience store when an elderly man with a guide dog came in, went to the aisle with the greetings cards, picked up a card, held it up extremely close to his face, and struggled to read it.  Just as I was about to walk over to help him, a big, burly truck driver asked him if he needed assistance reading, and then proceeded to read him almost every single greeting card out loud until the elderly man smiled and said, “That’s perfect!  My wife will love that one!”

As the elderly man checked out at the register, I walked up to the truck driver and said, “I admire your kindness.”

“Thank you, sir,” he replied with a smile.  “Lately, I’ve just been letting my soul guide me.  It would have been much easier to let that man struggle, or let someone else help him, but my soul knows the easy things in life aren’t always the right things.”

“That’s honestly beautiful,” I said.

“Well, all of our souls are equally beautiful,” he quickly added.  “We just need to listen to what our souls want us to know more often.”

Don’t you just love that sentiment?

I’m sharing this story with you today because I think this man’s message is one we all need to be reminded of.

When it comes to living our lives, we spend too much of our time living as an egocentric avatar – overly attached to our perceived identity and societal opinions.  We have an ego, a personality, a history, cultural viewpoints and experiences that overpower the intuitive messages our soul is telling us.

But our soul is timeless, eternal and infinitely wise, and it needs to be listened to.  Our “intuition” is really just our soul whispering prudent insight into our ears, especially in busy, stressful or confusing times.

Here are 40 encouraging things your soul wants you to know:

1. Some people talk with you in their free time, and some free their time to talk with you.  Today, and every day, you can be the latter to the people you love.
2. The smallest act of kindness is always worth more than the grandest intention.
3. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2015/09/13/40-things-your-soul-wants-you-to-know/

25 Quotes that Will Quiet the Negative Voice in Your Head

Written by Marc Chernoff // 

 

25 Quotes that Will Quiet the Negative Voice in Your Head

Written by Marc Chernoff //

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.marcandangel.com/2015/09/06/25-quotes-that-will-quiet-the-negative-voice-in-your-head/comment-page-1/#comment-13219125

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Quotes For Anxious, Highly Sensitive & Creative People

By David Silverman, MA, LMFT

 

“You’re not going to die. Here’s the white-hot truth: if you go bankrupt, you’ll still be okay. If you lose the gig, the lover, the house, you’ll still be okay. If you sing off-key, get beat by the competition, have your heart shattered, get fired…it’s not going to kill you. Ask anyone who’s been through it.”Daneille LaPorte
“If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another. The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.”
Deepak Chopra

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.”
Steve Maraboli

“Anxiety’s like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.”
Jodi Picoult

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.”
Hermann Hesse

“I’ts not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.”
Hans Selye

“Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.”
Arthur Somers Roche

“Don’t let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the burden of its worries.”
Astrid Alauda

“My need to solve the problem is the problem.”
Unknown

“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.”
Deepak Chopra

“Nothing in the universe can stop you from letting go and starting over.”
Guy Finley

“Smile, breathe, and go slowly.”
Thich Nhat Hanh

“Don’t try to steer the river.”
Deepak Chopra

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/hollywood-therapy/2015/08/best-quotes-for-anxious-highly-sensitive-creative-people/

Living the Simple Life

zen habits : breathe

‘A man is rich in proportion to the number of things which he can afford to let alone.’ ~Henry David Thoreau

For almost 9 years now, I’ve been learning to live a simple life.

A life uncluttered by most of the things people fill their lives with, and left with space for what really matters. A life that isn’t constant busy-ness and rushing, but contemplation and creation, connection with people I love and time for nature and activity.

That doesn’t mean I have zero clutter and zero complications: I’m a part of the world, not a secluded monk. I have possessions, electronics, distractions, and occasional busy-ness. I just have reduced it to make space.

Today I’ve been reflecting on this simple life, and thought I’d share some of those reflections.

Some things I’ve learned about living the simple life:

• Decluttering your home and work space can lead to a less cluttered mind. These visual distractions pull on us in more ways than we realize.
• A quiet unrushed morning is a thing to treasure. I wake early so that I have some quiet time to read, write, meditate.
• You can’t have a simple life if you’re unwilling to let go of what you’re used to.
• Letting go can be difficult, but is easier if you do a one-month challenge. Let go of something for a month and see whether you like it or not.
• Letting go of cable TV was one of the best things we did early on — no more constant television in my home, no more ads for crappy things we don’t need.
• Shopping isn’t therapy. It’s a waste of time and money.
• If you’re filling your life with distractions, its probably because you’re afraid of what life would be like without constant Internet, social media, news, TV, games, snacks.
• Simple, whole, healthy food is not only much healthier than junk food: it’s a pleasure.
• You have to make time for what’s important: time with your kids, time with your spouse, time for creating, time for exercise. Push everything else aside to make time.
• Overcommitting is the biggest sin against simple living most people make. I painfully cut out a huge number of commitments to simplify my life, and I’m glad I did. I do this every year or so because I keep forgetting.
• I keep my days mostly unstructured and unscheduled so that I have room for the little things that are so important: reading with my child, going for a walk, taking a nap.
• I have certain activities I do almost every day, though not on a schedule: writing, reading, eating healthy meals, doing a workout or playing with the kids outdoors, processing my email inbox, reading with the kids.
• It’s easy to fill up our lives because there are so many things that sound amazing. We hear about what others are doing and instantly want to add that to our lives. But it’s harder to remember that by adding so many things to our lives, we are subtracting space. And that space is important.
• By saying no to things that sound really cool, I’m saying yes to what’s truly important to me.
• Distractions are both more tempting and more destructive than we realize.
• It’s tempting to fill in every little minute of the day with productivity or distractions. Don’t. Leave some emptiness.
• We put too much emphasis on excitement. It’s temporary, and not important.
• We overemphasize productivity. Focus, priorities and effectiveness are more important. So is a nice walk with a loved one.
• If you can’t learn to sit in a quiet room alone with no distractions, you won’t be able to simplify.
• Buying things doesn’t solve our problems. Neither does food.
• It’s not how few things we own that matters. It’s whether we make those things count.
• It’s better to have six books on your shelf that you’re really going to read than a hundred you never get around to.
• When you travel lightly, you’re freer, less burdened, less tired. This applies to life, not just travel.
• Your attention is your most valuable possession. Give it as a gift to the people you love most, not a bunch of clowns on the Internet. Give it to the work that matters most, not distractions.
• Sometimes distractions are nice.

‘Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.’ ~Winnie the Pooh

      Posted by Thai Nguyaen from the book--  Zen Habits book